On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
