Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
