the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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