i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I forget how to act sober
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
