I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
