last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
