she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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