I wanna bring you to show and tell
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
