Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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