Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
