omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
