i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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