how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
