White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
