I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
