cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
