I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
