I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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