Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
