some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
