I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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