did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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