I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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