I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
