Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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