You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
