I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
