I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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