I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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