i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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