i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
