Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
