my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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