My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
