Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
