that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
