I accidentally had phone sex last night
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
