sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
