Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
We got so high we made milksteak
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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