IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
