I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
