my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Be still, my beating vagina.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
