shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
