It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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