youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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