These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
