he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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