He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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