Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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