She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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