I love black thongs
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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