Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I came so hard my ears popped.
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