The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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