Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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