Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
