Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
