I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize