I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Randomize
