Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
