i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
